Biggest Misconceptions About Sex, According to Experts

Between personal desires, dating norms, and physiological logistics, getting it on can be surprisingly complicated. Add in all the false information that’s floating around out there, and we’re all pretty much screwed (and not in the good way).

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To help us separate sexual fact from fiction, we asked the field’s top experts —from sex coaches to fertility experts to couples therapists—to tell us the biggest misconceptions about sex they encounter. Here’s what we should really know when we’re getting down.

2. Only guys have medical issues with sexual dysfunction.

“There’s a misconception that female sexual dysfunction isn’t a medical or physical condition. For men, it’s easy to look at and see what the problem is. For women, they can tell you they’re not having orgasms, but they can’t exactly come in and show you the problem. We don’t always have those physical identifiers in women to understand what’s going on. But there has been evidence that there are alternations to the blood supply and the nerve supply in the genitals that causes dysfunction [in women].”— Marsha K. Guess, M.D., assistant professor of obstetrics, gynecology, and reproductive sciences at Yale University School of Medicine

5. Having sex all the time ups your chance of getting pregnant.

“It’s a misconception that daily intercourse enhances chances of pregnancy. In fact, having intercourse every day can actually significantly decrease sperm count and decrease chances of pregnancy for a couple.The timing of intercourse around ovulation is what is key.”— Pinar H. Kodaman, M.D., Ph.D., director of the Advanced Endoscopic Reproductive Surgery program at Yale University School of Medicine

7. Men always want sex, and women rarely enjoy it.

“We’re certainly much more open about sex and sexuality than in previous generations, but often that openness does not extend to expressing our own wants and desires. A lot of this has to do with gender norms and socialization. Movies, TV, and pornography teach us men always orgasm easily and that they always want sex, which is certainly not the case. Women are still often socialized in a way that stigmatizes female sexuality, which is extremely problematic. Women are slut-shamed, and some worry about being viewed as too sexually forward. Every individual needs to be able to discuss expectations, comfort levels, and desires, whether in a committed romantic relationship or with a one-night stand. Most of us need to step up our communication game.”— Dana Weiser, Ph.D., associate professor of human development and family studies at Texas Tech University

8. Sex has to be super romantic and intimate every time.

“There is this myth that sex has to always be intimate and tender, otherwise you’re doing it wrong. Barry White and candles and rose petals are fun and can be a great way for people to get together and spend an afternoon. But I try to give people permission to relate to sex as play. When we use the word ‘play,’ we are more open to the idea that sex can be silly and goofy and dirty and raunchy. Sex is a space where you have permission to make mistakes and figure out the rules as you go in a process of shared discovery. Be open to the idea that there’s a whole lot of ways that sex can look.”—Matt Lundquist, LCSW, director of Tribeca Therapy

9. Monogamy is easy.

“It is a myth that monogamy is a naturally occurring experience.It is natural for people to have attractions to other people, even if they have chosen to remain monogamous with their partner. At times it requires partners to make challenging decisions and commitment to resist the urge to have an affair. Thinking that you will never be tempted and never discussing what you and your partner consider cheating are dangerous blind spots that may leave your relationship at risk for affairs.”— Sari Cooper, certified sex therapist, coach, and creator of Sex Esteem

10. You should always give back in bed.

“The biggest misconception about sex is that you should be a generous lover. But you don’t get passion from generosity; you get it from a certain kind of selfishness. Not an oblivious selfishness, but a kind of selfishness that connects you to your partner through pure desire. If both partners selfishly enjoy each other in bed, that’s a recipe for great sex.”— Stephen Snyder, M.D., sex therapist in New York City

11. Good sex has to end in an orgasm.

“Sex is an intimate and pleasurable experience. We should think of it in a way that opens up the mind to more activities—people shouldenjoy whatever they are engaging in, as opposed to compartmentalizing certain sex acts as just ‘foreplay.’ One of the most common exercises for couples who have hit a dry spell is to remove intercourse from the table, then slowly introduce activities, formerly labeled as ‘foreplay,’ and reframe it as sex. It removes the pressure and builds excitement for the simpler activities.”— Rachel Klechevsky, LMSW, sex and relationship therapist in New York City

12. Having intercourse right after you ovulate is the best window to get pregnant.

“In fact, the ‘fertile window’ actually occurs before ovulation. Sperm can live in the reproductive tract for days, so sex before ovulation allows plenty of sperm to be available when the egg is released. Studies suggest that if the sperm is ready and waiting at the time the egg is released (rather than trying to ‘catch up’ to an egg that’s already been released), this will give a couple the best chance of pregnancy success.”— Amanda Kallen, M.D., assistant professor of obstetrics, gynecology, and reproductive sciences at Yale University School of Medicine

13. If you’re both really into each other, sex will automatically be great.

“People often think their partner is going to be able to magically satisfy them without any guidance. But someone couldn’t go buy you the perfect pair of jeans without knowing you very well—and it’s the same with sex. You both have to be participatory and guide each another in collaboration. Most of us aren’t taught that it’s OK or healthy to talk about sex. But if you’re going to have that level of intimacy and open up your body, it would be great to open up the lines of communication about what you want as well.”— Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, couples therapist in New York

14. There is a definition for “normal” sex.

“Most people think of ‘normal’ sex as being between a heterosexual couple, married, monogamous, in their bed, in the dark. But most of the sex that is happening is not that. Variance is actually the norm when it comes to human sexuality, but variance is not usually what we picture. For millennia, we’ve all agreed that sex, which is this powerful force that can create a lot of chaos, can be tamed if we just have it and define it this one certain way. But it has never worked. The non-normative is the norm when you get down to real numbers.”— Dan Savage, love and sex expert behind Savage Lovecast and creator of the It Gets Better Project

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