How to Overcome a Language Barrier in Bed

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Weve all heard sex experts stress the importance of speaking up in bed with a new partner, and for great reasons: Conversations are often necessary to determine whether everyone is enthusiastically consenting, which safer sex precautions need to be taken, and what each persons likes and dislikes are, to name a few.

Except, how exactly are you supposed to get in sync sexually when you and the hot human youre sleeping with dont speak the same language? Last year, a cute guy on Bumble offered to join me in my neighborhood for a walkand possibly more. He was a student whod come to the U.S. from Belarus. His English wasnt great, and neither was my Russian. But we managed to carry on a conversation until we got back to my apartment. When I asked him to cuddle, he replied, What does that mean? and I realized I didnt feel comfortable hooking up with someone if we couldnt communicate. Not much ended up happening that night, but maybe it could have if Id known how to navigate language barriers in the bedroom.

Discussing intimate details with someone new (or someone youre close with, for that matter) can be awkward and uncomfortable without a language barrier, so having one can make expressing your wants and needs all the more challengingand lead to the bad kind of sexual tension.

But what I wish Id known before my failed snuggle attempt is that there are plenty of ways to effectively communicate your sexual desires and boundaries with someone who speaks a different language. Whether youre traveling or getting busy in your home city, these expert tips can help you figure out how to overcome a language barrier in (or out of) bed, so no ones enjoyment is lost in translation.

1. Enlist technical support.

One simple solution is to have your phone with you and either use a built-in app like Apple Translate or Google Translate, or download a third-party translation app like Say Hi (you speak into it and, yep, it translates your words into a specified language). You can also ask a home assistant device like Google Home or Amazon Echo to do the translation for you, Marla Renee Stewart, MA, sex expert for sex-toy shop Lovers and womens studies instructor at Clayton State University, tells ishonest. (Alexa, translate French: Take off your shirt!)

If you or your partner is deaf or hard of hearing, you can use the notes app on your phone or even a pen and paper to communicate, Bee Gehman, MEd, Deaf AASECT- certified sexuality educator and founder of Deaf sexual wellness center Jooux, tells ishonest. And if you can try sexting before having a sexual connection in person, you can learn more about what that persons like, what they like, and what they dont like beforehand, which can make the in-person experience more pleasurable, she says.

2. Find creative ways to get and give enthusiastic consent.

Enthusiastic consent is the idea of everyone involved actively giving a clear yes to sex instead of relying on a lack of a no as a green lightand it can be harder to navigate when theres a language barrier.

Depending on the specifics of your situation, you may have enough of a shared vocabularyeven if its mainly yes and noto have the kind of mind-blowing, universally-consented-to experience youll look back on fondly for years to come. But if you dont have enough language in common to make sure the sex youre having is pleasurable and safe for everyone involved, you might need to get creative.

If two people who dont speak the same language want to get intimate, its important to rely heavily on non-verbal communication, Justin Lehmiller, PhD, social psychologist at The Kinsey Institute and Astroglides resident sex researcher, tells ishonest. For example, when you cant say lets use a condom, you might instead pull one out or place it in your partners hand.

The thing to keep in mind here is that non-verbal communication such as body language can be different in different cultures. You might assume that head nodding and shaking are universal gestures for yes and no, Stewart says, but this doesnt apply everywherein Bulgaria, for example, a nod means no.

Thats why, if its realistic based on your specific scenario, Stewart says it can be useful to establish your own personal yes and no signals or words (perhaps with the aid of the aforementioned translation technology) before you go to bed together. Gehmans advice: Think about what words or signs you can both use to convey important concepts like more, stop, okay, or does that feel good? You might use gestures like pressing or stroking the other persons arm, for example. Or you might not: This ideal-world advice may not make sense for you in the moment, but the point is to figure out what does work for communicating your enjoyment (or lack thereof)whether that be sounds, movements, or even eye contact.

Its also important to monitor your partners non-verbal communications, such as their facial expressions, body motions, and vocalizations, to make sure theyre enjoying themselves too. Dr. Lehmiller suggests paying attention to signals like if your partner is actively pulling you closer or drawing back. If they dont seem fully into it in any way, you should immediately put everything on hold and check in, Gehman says.

And when it comes to hard boundariesparts you definitely dont want touched or activities you absolutely arent down for, for examplebody language and non- verbal communication can of course be helpful too. Thats especially true if you dont want to explicitly discuss your boundaries for any reason but still want to get the message across. But if you do want to talk about these boundaries, using a translation app or a written method may be your best move. Theyre not necessarily the sexiest ways to express your needsand again, might not make sense for your specific situationbut theyre probably the clearest, and a safe bet to ensure you feel totally comfortable.

3. Lay any necessary groundwork before sex begins.

It might get even trickier to use your wordsor your translation apponce youre naked together, so Stewart suggests trying to have your first conversation about your desires and expectations before you actually have sex. We know, thats probably not gonna happen if youre about to have a one-night (or two-night) stand with a sexy stranger while youre traveling. Or maybe you just dont feel comfortable having an intimate chat with someone you barely know over breakfast pastries. But if your relationship is slowly moving and/or you feel confident expressing your wants and needs outside the bedroom, a more casual conversation can be a good way to ensure things go more smoothly once the clothes come off. This isnt about some outdated notion that its not okay to have sex with someone you havent known for long enough or if you dont have a connection beyond the physical. Its about getting on the same baseline page in a way that can make the whole experience better for both of you.

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If you talk about it ahead of time in a relaxed situation, using [translation technology] if necessary, youre likely to get more information about where you both want the sexual situation to go, Stewart says. That way, when you finally get into bed, youll have a better understanding of what the other person wants and will be better able to accommodate them.

If youre imagining this conversation being stilted and awkward, know that there are ways to make it fun instead. During your chat, you can teach each other phrases that will be important to know once things get heated (as outlined above), which could turn into foreplay. It can be a fun erotic game to discover, learn, and teach words and phrases that will assist you in a more fulfilling intimate connection, Beth Wallace, Spain-based sexual wellness counselor, tells ishonest. You could, for instance, point to (or even undress) different parts of your body or act out different things youd like to do as you teach each other the words for them.

Similarly, on your own, Wallace recommends thinking through what you are and arent okay with in advance so that when the time comes to communicate it, you wont have the added task (and pressure) of deciding what you really want. For example, maybe youre a hard no for intercourse the first time you hook up, but youre open to oral sex.

4. Rely on visual learning.

If youre struggling to discuss in detail what youd like to do sexually, consider using visuals, Sara Nasserzadeh, PhD, social psychologist and certified sexuality counselor, tells ishonest: Visual components can often surpass language barriers, so finding something to watch with each other and agreeing to try something similar could be a fun way to communicate what you desire. You might watch porn together, look at illustrated sex position articles, or share other erotic imagery, for example.

Dr. Nasserzadeh suggests bringing up the idea by saying (or translating) something like, I was watching this scene that showed some pretty interesting positions that I thought would be fun to try. Want to watch together? A playful comment like this can serve as an ice-breaker that might help make everyone involved feel a little more comfortable getting naked, she says.

5. Feel free to take your time if you need or want to.

Things may naturally move quickly when youre hot for someone new, but at the very least, get clear on each others consent and boundaries before things escalate sexually. Its much harder, sometimes impossible, to come back from a misunderstanding or a boundary-crossing incident than it is to negotiate it in advance, Wallace says.

Once everyones needs and wants are clear, you may feel totally at ease going full speed ahead. In that case, go for it! But if youre not yet completely comfortable with a new partner, Wallace recommends trying to pace yourselves once youre in bed together too: Spend a while cuddling or kissing first, then move to touching genitalsyou get the picture. If we move slowly, then were far less likely to misunderstand, misconstrue, or cross someone elses or our own boundaries, Wallace says.

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